10/09/2009
She is consumed..
...with rage and grief.
Things that she's kept bottled up for a very long time. For far, far too long. Things that she has never had a chance to face and deal with and work through because of what she was going through.
The situation she was in forced her to cram everything deep down inside. She didn't have the luxury of expressing her emotions. If she had expressed them as fully as she wanted, she would almost certainly be dead right now.
As it was, if we hadn't met when we did, she'd probably be dead right now anyway. She's been on a self-destructive path ever since...
And the simple fact is, I can't blame her. I'd be the same way, if I was in her position. As much as this whole situation is hurting me, I simply can not blame her. I understand her pain and her grief all too well.
Which is why I'm waiting for her. Why I'm going to be here for her when she needs me. Why I'm doing my best to handle my own grief. I've worked through my rage. I still want to hurt someone very badly for what they did to her, but the rage no longer consumes me. But the grief is still there, and will be there until she manages to work through her own.
I'm so lonely without her. But if I was in her place, I'd need someone there for me, someone that won't give up on me.
So I'm going to try. I'm going to do my best to be there for her, even if being there for her means leaving her alone. I've been doing better since she unloaded on me, I tried sending her texts with a different atmosphere than I have been. Happier and more supportive. But even those aren't entirely welcome.
I really have no choice. She's so consumed by grief and rage, nothing is welcome. Not even support or love.
There is absolutely nothing I can say or do to help her through this.
I can be there for her, but until she wants me to be a part of this, she's completely isolated herself and the only way she'll work through this is by herself.
I have to comfort myself with the fact that she knows I love her, and she knows I'm here for her when she needs me.
She's kept all of this bottled up for so long. She finally unloaded on me so brutally, exposing her grief and her pain.
I'm hoping that's the first step for her, that it's the catalyst for her to begin to finally face everything she's kept bottled up for so long.
I hope to God it is, because even so, we still have a long road ahead of us. And she has the harder road to travel, by far.
At least we're moving forward instead of backward. Maybe things'll change again. Maybe things'll get better, hopefully sooner rather than later.
Hopefully. Maybe.
idontpretend at 1:08 P.M.
Feeling:
Listening to:
Wanting: