12/05/2009
More fuel for the fire
So I was supposed to work today, and couldn't make it because I didn't have a ride. The guy that usually takes me was off, and noone in my family was available to give me a ride.
So I sat in my room all day having my breakdown.
9pm or so rolls around, and my mother knocks on my bedroom door because my father thinks I'm still at work. Even though I told him the night before that I needed a ride.
Have I ever mentioned how I'm the "outcast" of my family? I've been treated like an outsider as long as I can remember, which is to say I have memories going back as far as 6 months old, and I was around 3ish when my memories became steady and solidified. I think for myself, and in this family, that is a terrible sin.
Neither of my brothers ever had to want for a vehicle to drive. They were always taken care of, at the very least allowed to drive one of our parents vehicles.
Me, I was forced to ride a bicycle, or take the bus, or walk. I was never allowed to drive the family vehicles. I wasn't given a nice new car. My first car was a Pontiac Fiero that barely cost anything, and I had to pay for half. $600-700 total for that piece of shit. Out of the year I had it, it was in the shop for half that time, until it finally just caught on fire, which is a whole 'nother story. This is just an example for the backstory for this entry.
So while my brothers have always been taken care of in those regards, I've always had to provide mostly for myself. Yeah, I got plenty of toys for Christmas. But so what? That didn't make my life bearable. Toys didn't erase the misery and fear and oppression I've lived with my entire life.
I've been psychologically and emotionally tortured my entire life. By my own family.
Far too much to talk about in this entry.
So not only do I once again become a sidenote in my father's day, to be forgotten about before it even begins, my mother immediately starts in on how I need to get my car running. How I need to have my own transportation.
Really?
Are you serious?
THANK GOD YOU'RE ALWAYS THERE TO POINT OUT THE OBVIOUS AND MAKE ME FEEL LIKE COMPLETE SHIT FOR HAVING TO DEPEND ON ANYONE.
I honestly have no idea why, but she always thinks I have hordes of money stashed away. She honestly believed I had the money in the bank to fix my car, and was refusing to do so by choice. Like I'm going to sit on tons of cash because I LOVE sitting in my room all day staring at the walls and giving myself carpal tunnel from playing WoW all fucking day.
Yes folks, I am truly living the life of luxury.
My family is insane. Their grip on reality is tenuous at best. And I am constantly submitted to their delusions every day of my life. Ever since I was at least 4 years old, when she compared me to her abusive, psychotic father. All because I was quiet around her and wouldn't "open up" to her.
It's inconceivable that a 4 year old child might be so terrified of his own mother, his best defense was his silence around her.
Yeah, that's right. I was her therapist at the age of 4. She dumped all her daddy issues on me because it was easier than facing reality. And I've paid for it my entire life.
It has literally ruined my life. And only in the last few years have I been able to figure out that it wasn't my fault. That I'm not the bad person she had me convinced that I was at such a young age.
But the damage is done. And my life is fucked. And I have maybe one last chance to turn it around. And I am scared out of my mind that I won't even get that chance.
My most recent ex mattered to me for reasons beyond what anyone could possibly imagine.
I am truly walking the edge. One slip and I am done for.
I live my life in a constant state of fear and despair. I've tried to find SOMETHING to stay positive about, but I've reached the end of the line. I live without hope.
Only the cold, hard reality of a life redeemed shall save me. Of escaping this never-ending hell that I so foolishly allowed myself to be dragged back into after my marriage fell apart and myself with it.
My life depends on it.
idontpretend at 3:18 A.M.
Feeling:
Listening to:
Wanting: